Coming Face-To-Face With My Doubts

Here’s how I recently faced my doubts. I’ll say this from the beginning: this particular season of second-guessing nearly led to walking away from what I firmly believe is my calling. I am so grateful that Holy Spirit taught me to slow down, remove the emotion, and lean into Him. It took a few days, but I finally could see better. Had I not taken a breath but instead reacted to the emotions of fear and doubt, I would have made a decision I’d deeply regret. Sure, I’d move forward, but it would have been a harder journey back to where I was supposed to be.

Starting a magazine business is no easy task, especially without experience in design, publishing, editing, and writing or an understanding of what to expect. Yet, I began this journey with a deep conviction. There is no question God whispered to my soul that this was the direction I was going in. It was a step of faith, but if I wanted to shoot for the stars, it would take faith to do something beyond my imagination.

At first, the thrill of something new overshadowed any doubts. The journey was hard but euphoric. Then, the excitement began to wane and like water which hasn’t yet begun to boil but begins to hiss, I heard the sounds of a rumbling in my soul. Then, a little bubble of doubt, appearing as unwelcome news in an email, rolled to the top and, POP!

I brushed it off.

Then another. And another in quicker succession until it seemed like every day was filled with bubbles of circumstantial doubts. Obviously, any reasonable person would look at the circumstances and conclude it was time to quit.

It was here that my doubts morphed into second-guessing.

• Did I not hear God’s voice/prompting?
• Where did I miss it?
• How have I failed?
• Maybe I’m really not qualified.
• What if I’ve just wasted several years and lots of money?

But then…

After days of pondering and prayer, an understanding came into my soul. Thankfully, I had already learned my lesson regarding facing doubts, and I did not panic. Any decision made in emotion is fodder for regret. Removing the emotions and the circumstances, I thought back to what led up to the birth of the magazine. I asked myself if I had doubts regarding that time in my life. No, none at all. I wasn’t looking to start a magazine, but I was earnestly seeking God for the next steps as I was in a time of in-between and uncertainty. In my seeking, the thought of a magazine popped into my head, and I wrote it down, but only as a brainstorming exercise; I wrote every idea that came to mind.

Now, I remembered I still had those sheets of paper from the brainstorming session; notes written with fat markers on giant presentation paper I had taped to the empty (but soon-to-be awesome studio!) walls.

Funny to think that as I wrote these thoughts, a magazine truly was not on my radar. I added the word “magazine” under Paola Lane only because it came to mind, not because I actually believed that was going to happen or was possible. These were created in August of 2021. By January 2022, I reconciled to the idea that God was calling me to create a magazine, and the only thing I was taking from this brainstorming session was “Paola Lane” and “magazine”. The other ideas were not used. Even though it took nearly six months for me to realize what God was calling me to do, once I woke up, it was an inner knowing that was (and is) unshakable; I knew, that I knew, that I knew…but that’s all I knew. So, now I knew my doubts were not regarding starting a magazine. I was certain that was the appropriate decision.

But the magazine wasn’t growing and gaining traction and it was a long way from being profitable. So, perhaps I missed the timing or something else.

Now I was doubting my ability to execute God’s calling.

God’s voice is primarily an impression in my spirit, but occasionally, I’ll hear specific words rise up inside of me. In this case, the first day I began work on this new magazine, I heard, “In spite of accolades or criticism.” Instinctively, I understood I was to embark on this journey fully focused on my calling, not on the opinions and direction of others.

In the current time of uncertainty, those words rolled again in the back of my head. While seeking counsel on some matters is wise, sometimes we look for others to tell us what they think we should do. Not only was I asking what others thought, but I was using circumstances to influence my decision heavily. I had all but made the announcement that the magazine would be set aside when I felt called into deeper time with the Word of God.

After 2-3 hours, I again knew that I knew, that I knew…God had set me on a course. I was wanting to jump ship because of the stormy seas. I saw it as a sign to abandon the call and lay it down as a stone in a long line of life education and experiences.

BIBLE VERSES FOR ENCOURAGEMENT

I wrote several Bible Verses (emphasis and highlights are mine) during this time of being with God in His Word. They may be a help and jumping point in your own journey of doubt. Also, check out this blog post with 6 Tips To Stop Second-Guessing Yourself.

PSALM 41:4 "Lord, be my kind healer. Heal my body and soul; heal me God!" (TPT)
PSALM 13:2 "How long must I keep asking myself what to do with sorrow in my heart every day." (CJB)
PSALM 13:2 How long must I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart day after day? (AMP)
PSALM 13:3 "Look, and answer me, Adonai, my God! Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death. Then my enemy would say, "I was able to beat him"; and my adversaries would rejoice at my downfall." (CJB) (Note: I had a fear of people thinking I was a failure and couldn't finish anything. I had to lay aside that fear, but also make sure I was moving forward because this is the path chosen for me by God, not because I had something to prove to other people.)
PSALM 16:5-6 The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; Thou dost support my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me." (NASB)
PSALM 16:7 I will bless the Lord who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instruct me in the night. (NASB)
PSALM 16:11 Thou wilt make known to me the path of life.
PSALM 17:5 My steps have held fast to Thy paths (tracks). My feet have not slipped.
PSALM 18:28 "For Thou dost light my lamp; The Lord my God illumines my darkness..."