Afraid of the Holy Spirit: My Journey To Overcoming My Wariness And Encountering the Spirit of God.

Outside of someone saying, “In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,” I had no concept of the Spirit of God for many years. Despite growing up in the church and genuinely loving God, if anyone mentioned the Holy Spirit, I felt something rise up in me that made me quite uncomfortable, as if we were about to enter the world of weird.

While I would have never admitted it at the time, looking back, I fully admit that the topic of the Holy Spirit, especially the gifts of praying in the Spirit, was akin to witchcraft in my mind. Avoidance of the topic was done at all costs, but very subtly and probably subconsciously.

Truthfully, I didn’t know why I felt that way, and at the time I didn’t care or give it a second thought. However, my inability and unwillingness to think about, learn about, or engage with the Holy Spirit gradually gave way to a guarded curiosity after a few events in my life brought me face-to-face with the Holy Spirit.

Recommended: ISSUE NO. 12: SEEN & UNSEEN. (It’s a look from the Hebrew perspective on WHO the Holy Spirit is)

Cool People With A Cool God

After graduating from college and living on my own, I began to attend a church with many of my coworkers. I loved everyone there, and the church was a perfect fit for me. While I don’t recall any sermons specifically about the Spirit, I noticed that the people in this church would sometimes mention the Holy Spirit. Yet I didn’t coil away from those conversations. I liked these people, and I especially loved how they loved God and each other. Our small groups outside of Sunday service included more specific conversations around the Spirit, and some people even prayed in tongues when we were praying for others. I didn’t understand it and also wondered why they never talked about it in the church service or explained it in small groups; it was like you were just supposed to get it, so I played along. I still thought it was weird, but I admired all of these people —I knew them both at work and personally—and they were lovely—not the crazy people I imagined who talked about the Holy Spirit. Accepting their conversations was about as far as I went, still not giving the Holy Spirit much thought. I believed He was in me as a Believer in Jesus, and that was good enough for me.

A Real Life Supernatural Encounter

A few years later, I was in a bad accident. Recovering in the home of dear friends, we had a multi-hour conversation about the Spirit of God one night. I had just encountered supernatural intervention in my accident, and with a head injury, I was now experiencing very traumatic nightmares that were more than your average dreams; I was terrified and confused. For hours and hours, we talked as they taught about the Holy Spirit; I was a very willing, eager listener. Finally, I said I wanted the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and we prayed together for it. What followed was the most powerful Presence I’ve ever encountered. It literally felt like a bucket of fire pouring over my entire body. I sobbed uncontrollably for a long time. I didn’t speak in tongues because, truthfully, I didn’t want to. To me, that was still kooky.

Finding Him In A Lonely Place

Not much more was mentioned after my baptism in the Holy Spirit. Life moved on, several more years passed, and I was married with a newborn. It should have been the happiest time of my life, but instead, I was falling apart. Separated from my husband, I was sleeping on the floor with my 2-month-old in a spare bedroom of some friends. Another good friend called and invited me to a Bible study; I jumped at the opportunity. My hosts offered to watch the baby while I went. At that Bible study, I met a small group of women who carried what I can only call an anointing or presence I was unfamiliar with. After my baptism in the Holy Spirit a few years prior, I didn’t learn any more about it. No one talked about the Holy Spirit, and I thought that what happened to me was all there was to it. However, in this tiny group of women, I SAW Life, not just talked about it. They prayed in the Spirit together. As I watched, something ignited inside of me; I distinctly remember thinking, “This is what I want!” I was so eager to know more and couldn’t wait to return for the next meeting. But that was never to happen.

Upon returning to the house where I was staying, my hosts asked what had happened because I was glowing and so happy. I shared with them about how much I loved the Bible study, how different it was, and the amazing group of women. But the moment I mentioned the Holy Spirit, their reaction was immediate and dramatic. When I said there wasn’t anything off, I was promptly ordered to leave their house. I was both stunned and speechless. These were my dear friends, but between my separation from my husband and now, being around people who prayed in the Spirit, I was told I was in sin, and they couldn’t have me in their home. Being that it was late at night, I told them I would leave with my baby first thing in the morning. They agreed. After putting my baby down, I slipped into a hot bubble bath and cried wept. There was nowhere to go, and I had a 2-month-old baby. In spite of being completely scared about what I’d face in the morning, there was this odd sensation in my heart. Not unsettled, more like a hint of peace and comfort, even though my heart hurt so much.

Despite the agony and worry of that moment, I had also encountered God in a way that made me want Him more than anything. Now, instead of being wary of the Holy Spirit, I wanted to know more and to be around people whose lives were active with the Holy Spirit. As I dozed off to sleep, I had another supernatural encounter, a visitation from the angel of the Lord, and I knew that I knew, as ugly as everything was, I was on the right track. However, it meant I had to leave town permanently. Within two days, my family had come 800 miles to rescue my son and me.

A Slow-Learner

Fast forward 15-years. After being rescued by my family, I spent the next 15 years surviving: going from one drama and crisis to another. Two divorces, three marriages, a failed business, failed relationships, and extreme exhaustion. I forgot about the Holy Spirit. When I first relocated, I tried to find churches that taught and believed in the Holy Spirit, but life events kept redirecting me to old ways, old habits, old patterns of belief. Now, I was as broken as I was on the night I wept when my son was an infant. I was desperate to find the God I had encountered so many years before. Lying on the floor in my office, I prayed for direction. A few days later, I remembered a name I had heard someone mention. I looked him up online (Andrew Wommack) and found a website filled with teachings. I started to listen. Every day. 4-8 hours a day. Nonstop. Then one day, it hit me how I’d been ignoring the Holy Spirit, particularly how stubborn I had been on the topic of praying in the Spirit and tongues. In my kitchen, I hit my knees and asked God to forgive me for being afraid of the Holy Spirit. I thanked Him for the baptism in the Spirit that I had experienced so many years prior, but that I wanted a life filled and activated by Him. I particularly asked for forgiveness for my prejudice against praying in the Spirit. Asking for help to pray and understand, I opened my mouth and started praying in the Spirit!

That was in 2015, and since then, my life has been transforming at a rapid pace. I’ve learned intimacy with Adonai…not just learning about Him. I’ve been walking with Him! I sometimes tell people that the Word of God went from a flat, dull, two-dimensional book that I struggled to understand to a giant, colorful POP-UP book! Life started pouring out of the pages, and to this day, I can hardly get farther than a sentence or two without revelations pouring into my Spirit. The Presence of God and the joy of His Word are my two greatest delights! When I allowed myself to lay down my pride and prejudice regarding the Holy Spirit and, in faith, let my tongue be directed by the Spirit in me, it was like a switch was flipped. As if all the wiring was there and hooked up, but I had refused to flip on the switch. Now, I’m quite aware of the active role of the Holy Spirit in me, and I heartily embrace praying in the Spirit (I do not have the gift of tongues, so I don’t give words in public). My stubbornness kept me in the dark for a long time. However, God is infinitely patient and gracious…He knew I needed to walk the road I did, and when I finally gave in, He was waiting for me!

If you’d like to hear solid teaching on the Holy Spirit, here is a service from 2026 that I highly recommend. They did an excellent job.